In a small town in California there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble. These boys were friends, but every once-in-awhile they would get into a fight. One time after they had both just gotten ice-cream, Trouble’s ice-cream fell. Trouble then stole Shut-up’s ice-cream and ran away. Shut-up ran after Trouble but eventually lost him, sat on a curb, and started to cry.
A police officer pulled up and asked, “What’s your name?”
The officer got angry and asked the same question again and got the same reply. Finally, he asked the same question and got the same reply and then said, “Boy, are you looking for Trouble?”
And Shut-up said, “Yeah, that fool stole my ice-cream!”
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why did she go to the other side? To go to the bar.
Why did she go to the bar? To go to the toilet.
Why did she go to the toilet? Because that’s where all the cocks hang out.
Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears in bars.”
The bear replies, “If you don’t give me a beer, I’ll eat that lady over there.”
The bartender says, “Go ahead.”
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t give beer to bears on drugs.”
“What do mean,” asks the bear. “I’m not on drugs.”
“Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate.”
A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, “Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?”
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Sure, the toilet’s right around the corner.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, “Looks like you are having a bad day.”
The guy says, “Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend.”
The bartender says, “What did you say to your wife?”
The guy says, “I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again.”
The bartender says, “What did you say to your best friend?”
The guy says, “BAD DOG!”
Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, “Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink.” The bartender gets him a drink.
Bob says, “Donkeyboy, get me another drink.” The bartender gets him another drink.
Finally, Jim asks the bartender, “Why does he call you Donkeyboy?”
“I don’t know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that.”
A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.
The guy asks, “What’s in the box?”
The older guy says matter-of-factly, “A South American Blow Job Toad.”
The young guy looks around. “Can I try it?”
The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men’s room and returns 20 minutes later.
“That was amazing,” he says, “You’ve got to sell it to me.”
The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.
“Where the hell have you been? What’s in the box?” she demands.
“South American Blow Job Toad.”
“So?” asks the wife.
“So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out.”
A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Got any grapes?”
Again, the bartender tells him, “No — the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, “Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, “Got any nails?”
Confused, the bartender says no.
“Good!” says the duck. “Got any grapes?”
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says.
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”
The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda — look it up.” She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary. It says, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”